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| Photo credit: Dan Slovitt |
Brother, it's been a while since I've written. This has been for a few reasons. 1. I've been super busy. 2. I haven't had much of anything interesting to post in the world of race walking. 3. I've been super down and just haven't wanted to.
The past few years have been rough. Coming back from hip surgery has been interesting. I can't blame my lack of results on it at all, I had a great PT helping me and things seem good. I've gotten sick a few times which have really thrown me for a loop, especially the Strep Throat I got in January that lingered for about 4.5 months. That really threw me for a loop physically and especially mentally.
Sports at a high level (I'm not going to use the word elite) is a funny thing. There's this mystique wrapped around it. Athletes are supposed to be tough, breaking through incredible hardships to strive for their dreams and goals. We're supposed to be almost super human!! And then we reach the podium and everything is rose colored.
Reality really isn't like that. We go through so much self doubt. I have self doubt. I have self doubt ALL THE TIME. And for me personally, since I constantly feel like people don't believe I can achieve the things I believe I can, I'm afraid to show any weakness. Because if I do then that will just lead them to say, see, just like I thought.
It's easy to say, just don't worry about what others think. For the most part I'd like to think that I'm someone who doesn't really care what people think, but I still do. I know that I have achieved some awesome things in my sports career, things that no other woman will be able to say that they've done. And very few people give me credit for those things that I've done. I'm learning to care less about it and just be proud of myself, but if I'm being honest about it, it's hard when I see how others get treated now for doing the things I did 5 years ago and I was ignored and they are celebrated. And I think that's a natural and reasonable thing to feel. And I'm learning to handle it.
With the ongoing fight for the women's 50K it's been taking a real toll on me mentally. I've been fighting/pushing/trying for 50K equality since 2011. That's 8 years of nearly constant pushing. That is a long, long time. And it has really, really beaten me down.
So I went through a phase where I was pretty depressed. I didn't want to get off the couch. I barely was able to do things I would normally do. And I had little to no desire to train. I would force myself sometimes, but then just be down about how slow I was. Then I turned a bit to food and gained about 15 pounds. So now on top of it all I'm super duper self conscious about my figure.
One reason I've always been afraid to talk about what's been going on with myself is because I'm a coach. I want to always, 100% be there for my athletes. Sometimes I can't, and they know that. they know when I'm away at a competition I'm not available as much. But I never, ever want the athletes that I coach to feel like they can't come to me because I'm having a rough patch. So I held it inside. This hit me really hard when I was about to talk to one of the athletes I coach and tell her just a little bit about the rough patch I'd been going through when she said something along the lines of, "you're so tough, you can handle anything." I realize I should tell her that it's not really true, I'm human like everyone else. I struggle, I cry, I yell and I get frustrated. But it took me so much by surprise and I didn't want to let her down that I stayed silent. Soon I will get up the courage to tell her I'm not everything she thinks I am.
The clincher though was when I was working with my doctor because I was just so exhausted that it seemed something was wrong and we started looking into things and we came to the conclusion that I was starting to show some pre-chronic fatigue type symptoms. That freaked me out!
So I've been cutting out as much stress in my life as possible and feeling better already. We had the national 40K a few weeks ago and my friend stayed with us and it was so nice to train with her and have fun and I felt excited again. I raced the 40K, did the first 5K with an athlete, then another few K with another athlete and then settled into my race around 8K in. I negative split the race and finished with a 5:35K and that made me feel awesome! Was my time "good"? Depends on your definition. If we're looking at elite level, no. But it fulfilled a purpose and gave me hope.
Training has been getting better. Not perfect, but better. I find if something stressful happens my body still has a very strong stress reaction and I have to just honor it and go with it. I had a long session planned for the day the calf died and it was so emotional that when I tried to do my session I just couldn't. At first I tried to tell myself that I should be tougher than that, stop being a wimp! But no, I needed to be kind to myself. So I listened to my body, did what I needed to do, and moved forward.
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| photo credit Dan Slovitt. Lydia rocked it! I love racing with athletes I coach :) |
When I came up here to Toronto for the Norther American, Central and Caribbean Master's championships (NCCWMA) I came to have some fun. I just wanted to race and see people and enjoy being out. And yesterday that's what I did! I did have a time goal (of course). I wanted to go sub 54:00 for the 10K, but didn't know if that was realistic. The night before the race I could barely move. But the morning of the race the temperature was decently cool for what it has been so that felt good. The course was.... decent. There were speed bumps that really took me off stride the last few Ks and the pavement was a bit broken up in spots and it was probably the narrowest course I've ever raced on. But I've been on much, much worse courses before. The humidity was fairly oppressive, but I've been training in worse. It seemed that a lot of people were a minute or two off their usual times. So when I finished at 53:53 I was quite happy. My second 5K was slower than my first, which I don't really like, but I'm still happy with my pacing/racing. It felt so good to be out pushing and breathing hard again!
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| very cool and big medal! |
So maybe this is the real start of the comeback. I have a long way to go to get back to holding that pace for an entire 50K, but I've done it before and I believe I can do it again. And you know what? If you don't think I can do it again just keep it to yourself because I believe it and that's what matters. However, if you believe it too and want to be supportive then let it flow! Imagine what the world could be like if we all supported each other!
The 5,000 for NCCWMA is Sunday, so that'll be fun! And Saturday I'm really going to have some fun, I'm going to throw the discus!!! I haven't thrown seriously since high school. I've been practicing and have thrown a few out there a decent distance, so I think it'll be a good competition!
After that I'm going to go to Hungary to train with my friend and do some fun races. I'm going to enjoy life, train hard, clean up my eating, and get back to what I love. Training, racing, meeting people, seeing places and enjoying myself.
People have always asked me when I'll stop race walking. My answer has always been "until I'm not having fun anymore." I almost got to that point a number of times in the last few years. I really contemplated stopping competitive race walking and shifting my focus to other things. But I'm not ready to stop yet. I know I can still achieve some things I want to achieve. So that's what I'll do :)
Never give up. Talk to people if you need people to talk to. I am always here to listen if you need someone to talk to. My house is always a safe place. My private messages on FB are always open if you need. Never feel alone. Never feel like it's hopeless. Never feel like there's not someone you can talk to.
Happy training!
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| Photo Credit Vlado Haluska. This was from the national 40K, and I just LOVE this picture!!! |
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